Needed an ability to persaude wife...

Need an ability to persuade wife she does indeed look great in that dress but that the dress belongs in mount doom so our marriage can enjoy peace once again. It all happened minutes ago, the wife showed up with a bag from T.J. Maxx and I knew it was going to be a bad night. It's happened dozens of times before, she buys a dress on clearance and jokes about being such a "fashionista". What does that even mean? The dress always has this bold pattern that looks great at first but then you realize the reason it is on clearance. The pattern, the pattern, it starts to turn and pulse and look like afterbirth. You become convinced that this is the same pattern that drove Jeffrey Dahmer to the acts that led to him picking ligaments from his teeth. Please, please help me to believably tell my wife she looks good in that dress but, the dress must die, or at least be my Sam Wise on my journey to destroy the dress in black lands of Mordor otherwise known at the DI on 743 West 700 South in Salt Lake City.

GARY COLEMAN LOOKALIKE FOR EVENTS, MEMORIAL SERVICES, PRIVATE MOURNING - $1

I, like you, am deeply saddened and hurt by the recent tragic loss of Gary Coleman. However, I have been given a gift. Many, from the time I was a child, have told me that I look like, act like, sound like, and generally remind them of Gary. For this reason I have chosen to place this ad.

Being so similar to Gary is both a blessing and a curse. It is wonderful to have similarities to one of the world’s last remaining beacons of moral truth; it is a curse to have to tell people I am not Gary, and, sadly, the world will never have one like him again.

Now that his body is gone, let me be his for you. I am willing to come to parties, events, and preferably community memorial services or private mourning events and stand in place of our fallen hero. I have attached a photo of myself next to a photo of Gary Coleman so you may see how close we really are.

I’m doing this out of love for Diff’rent Strokes, not for greed. All proceeds and profits will be donated to Gary’s charity, the National Kidney Foundation. Please email me for availability.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* OK to contact me about appearing in CL documentary series

Used Baby Clothes (Randolph, Ut)

Hello, I am a collector of sorts. I am now wanting to collect baby clothes because I love them. Just so you don't think I'm wierd I'll tell you I am a forty year old man who is single. These clothes will get a really good home. Know that I will treat them with nothing but dignity. Also I am looking for pacifiers and bottles. Thanks.

Actor to Teach an Important Lesson to Preschoolers

It's been up for a couple of days but is already making the rounds--

I am a teacher at Tears on Gethsemane Preschool, one of the top christian preschools in the county. Recently I have heard some of our preschoolers taunting one of our Jewish children. I am worried about this trend and wanted to teach our preschoolers an important lesson. My idea is to have you dress as the reanimated decomposing corpse of Adolf Hitler. I think this will be good because we have just finished a unit on WWII and so the children will be familiar with Mr. Adolf Hitler. Must explain that you are condemned to wallow in the pits of hell because of your hatred of Jews. We need to teach them that even though Jews killed Jesus we still have to love them. I also need help coming up with a convincing reason why the reanimated corpse of Hitler would be visiting our preschool (I am so left brained!). Must have a good understanding of European history from the 1900s-1940s and an ability to speak with a German accent is preferable. Stipend for Make-up and Costume will be provided. Contact Ms. Thompson in the front office if you have any more questions.

Response to Actor to Teach an Important Lesson to Preschoolers ad

Ms. Thompson,

I am honestly writing you to see if this ad is a joke. Is it?!? As a teacher this is without a doubt the sickest thing I have ever heard. I am a Christian, I have a strong love for the Jewish people. You can't be seriously going through this to teach them a lesson?! Also, if I was a parent of one of the students in your classroom, I would have you removed from your job.

XXXXXXX


I am a former preschool teacher and future elem teacher. That is the most HORRIBLE idea you could use to teach children a lesson. You are gonna scar them for life. Teach them about friend and that we love everyone. That is what Jesus does. Even though Hitler made wrong choices our elder brother Jesus Christ still loveshim. I am sure of it. Good luck.

XXXXXXxxxx

My name is XXXXxxxx.

Now, before you go discounting me just because I'm a female, let me plead my case. I'm a talented actor, who is experienced in playing a male. I have more knowledge of Adolf Hitler and the WWII era than most, and am also able to not only speak in an accent, but also speak the German language. I'd love to be the one to help these children learn this lesson, and I believe I can teach in effectively, without scaring them.

Also, since you're looking for a legit reason for Hitler to be there, I have an idea. Simply have the actor tell them "As a form of repentance, I am to warn others against my suffering. I cannot appear as a whole being, and must deal with my decaying body" but maybe make it a tad easier to understand for kids.

I really hope you'll consider me. Thank you.

XXXXXXxxxxxx

Ms. Thompson,
I have read over your very specific help wanted ad, and I feel that I am the perfect candidate for the job. Please respond to this email including the compensation amount and when I would be required.
Sincerely,

XXXXXXxxxxxx

Hello

I noticed a listing about teaching pre-schoolers about the holocaust. I am not really an actor but I am Jewish and a descendant of holocaust survivors as well as a history major that has spent extensive time studying German History. I am in Provo for the summer doing a summer program at BYU and would love to be of assistance in any way that I can. I am willing to offer my services for free.

All the best

XXXXXXxxxxxx

Responses to Need Help Firing Satellite Into Space ad

Hi,
Love your post! Can't launch it for you, but if you do find someone let me know since I too would be interested.
Cheers,

XXXxxx

Need Help Firing Satellite Into Space

Hey, I recently was able to put together a satellite that transmits cellphone signal. Now that I engineered this I realized that I have no idea how to get this thing into space and operate it. I need some dude to help me rig up a rocket to send it into space so I can start my own private cell phone operation. I am doing this not for commercial purposes but because I have been screwed by those cell phone companies one too many times. Recently I was taken to arbitration because of some legal bull crap and had to pay them a ridiculous (confidential) amount. This inspired the idea of building my own "all-around network." I will only allow family and close friends to use this signal. I will pay you once the satellite is in full orbit and the network is up and running. Your pay will be access to this network for you and your immediate family for life. Oh, and also I do expect some up keep on this so all those who want to use the "people's network" would have to split the service fee to up-keep the satellite. May be an opportunity for you to personally fix it in space if we can figure out a way to do that. Also we wouldn't be able to use the newest cell phones because I was only able to find a satellite from the late eighties so the phones we will be using are from the eighties as well. Here is a link of the specific model we have to use (http://www.retrobrick.com/moto8000.html). You may remember it, it was the one Zach Morris used in Saved by the Bell. My family was embarrassed by this at first but I was able to convince them that it was cheaper to by these phones cause no one is using them and cooler because it was retro. Please let me know if you are interested in an engineering adventure, free cell service for life, and sticking it to the man!